I smell like weed. And coffee. And garlic.
Mmmm… coconut coffee. Aside from caffeine, I’m 100% drug free, kids. Not my scene.
You know what’s been freaking me out this week? Realizing that in one and a half years, I’m going to be 20. Holy shit.
It’s not the aging that worries me, not wrinkles, saggy tits (not that I’ll never need to worry about that 9_9), or gray hair. I still feel like I’m 16… as a matter of fact (and this has been discussed in a previous post) moving along, I’ve always felt the same.
It doesn’t matter that I know in what ways I’ve changed. I suppose in this aspect, I’m like a baby fractal. At one point I had to begin to branch out with new freedoms and new experiences and new responsibilities. Each of these built upon previous branches, expanding or contracting accordingly, but in the relative picture, zooming in and out at will, they’re all the same, and all of the same magnitude.
Every once in a while it’ll seem like something is finally working out for me, something else comes along to disrupt the process completely. Fuck you, fractal equation. You can’t even be a goddamn sine function.
Even worse, I realized that I can go out and imbibe all the alcoholic beverages I can hold, then go off and fuck a dozen guys. That is seriously causing me something like cognitive dissonance’s kid brother.
I hear a party going on upstairs.
BBL.
Sure you could, but would you want to? That’s the important question.
Have you seen yourself? A dozen is selling yourself short; you could have anyone you wanted.
In some respects I feel very different from a sixteen-year-old me. I’m more socially mature, I’m working toward bettering myself, toward building an outward persona I can be proud of. On the other hand I still feel just as confused and directionless and I still feel that the world is just as daunting and inscrutable.
I still feel like an inexperienced kid fumbling awkwardly through life, groping randomly at things which interest him without forethought or consideration for the act as a whole.