The first type of person I dislike..

You can bet your boots this will be a series. I already have the second one written out.

Anyhow.

The first person I dislike is called the Pretentious Dickwad. The adjective is self-explanatory, the noun is because this person is generally male.

Now, normally I’m cool with confidence, arrogance or pretentiousness. Confidence is awesome and sexy. Arrogance is sexy if you can back it up. Pretentiousness is tolerable, and amazing if it’s done ironically.

Now, Pretentious Dickwad is arrogant because he thinks he knows everything. He’s the guy in class who thinks he’s academically superior, because he reads the assignments, does all the homework on time, and raises his hand a lot and asks plenty of questions. Or maybe he’s the guy who claims to be a genius as _____, for example, fixing kitchen appliances, but when you ask him to fix your broken toaster, he makes it so that you can only toast organic seven-grain bread (sliced 1/3 of an inch) on the second Sunday of every month. Don’t misunderstand that analogy; it only means that he takes something that should be simple and makes it needlessly complicated.

Pretentious Dickwad is a pain in the ass. His papers are riddled with outdated Internet memes and (usually British) slang. When he speaks, rarely does anything insightful or relevant come out of his mouth. His speech is either exhaustingly slow and precise or chipmunk fast, and like his writing, full of references that ought to remain in places like 4chan and Digg where they will be immediately downmodded. When he runs out of things to say or forgets what he’s saying, the fillers that he uses sound like they were premediated. Snapping fingers to jolt the memory, “Umm Err I Lost My Train Of Thought.” They come without any sense of actual thinking or timing, that one can’t help but wonder if he decides, “Okay, I’m going to stop in the middle of my next sentence, snap my fingers twice and say ‘oh no i forgot what i was about to say.’”

Pretentious Dickwad is irritating to the point where even the most peaceful of pacifists daydream about slugging him one in the kisser. It is good to be polite to them, but prolonged interaction will become difficult, much less close friendship. On the occasion when you are feeling down, chatting with him may cheer you up. Unfortunately, this has the adverse effect of giving him the impression that you are always down in the dumps.

The optimistic version of Pretentious Dickwad then feels obligated to “be there” for you and remind you at every given opportunity that life is happy bowl of sunshine. The pessimistic version also feels that obligation, but he will tend to remind you how much worse things are for him. Neither case is very endearing.

If you are female, Pretentious Dickwad wants to be your knight in shining armor. He likes being “chivalrous” and if you encourage it, he will eventually become your packhorse. Don’t encourage this. It stems from a desire to prove that he’s a “nice guy,” who needs to rescue damsels in distress. Which is all well and good, but if there is no damsel in distress, he will have to create one for himself. Once this happens, it’s all downhill.

Pretentious Dickwad is arrogant, yes, the kind of arrogant that doesn’t need to listen to what anybody says. In entirety, that is. He has cultivated some sort of selective listening/understanding, only picking out words and statements that either suggest an opportunity for him to lord obscure knowledge over the speaker, or adopt the stance of white knight. Again, not endearing.

Confronting Pretentious Dickwad about his personality gets you nowhere. What can you expect? He doesn’t even realize what he does.

“Of course I’m not pretentious, of course I’m not a dickwad. I deny these accusations.” It’s rare that any genuine criticism will fly through the cloud of ego and selective understanding that surrounds the inner workings of his brain. Kudos if anyone has managed this, but Pretentious Dickwad most likely will not change. He will act more carefully around you, but his innate behavior will manifest itself when he interacts with others elsewhere.

The best measures to take is to avoid this personality beyond the level of acquaintance. You’ll want to be around if an actual insight appears, but that one moment is not worth the annoyance and aggravation that trying to be his friend results in.

If anyone has comments or stories, feel free to share them.

[Next time on Dislikeable Persons: The Limp Fish...]

~ by O'Brien on September 7, 2008.